A twinkle can last a lifetime...

I can't stop crying. My heart is crushed...

I remember the first time I seen him. He was getting into his truck after checking his mail. I sat in my sister's car and I watched him. He looked over, stopped, and with that unbelieveable twinkle in his eye, he looked right at me and smiled. From that moment... I knew he would be the man I compared all others to.

I didn't know him, I mean, I didn't REALLY know him, but in my mind he was the epitomy of  that I wanted in a man; tall, dark, handsome, confident and the center of every room he walked in to. I just filled in the blanks... he was sincere, honest, loving, and the list goes on...  any imagination could do that. I don't know if he was any of those things, but I'm sure he was :)

I delivered his divorce papers. sigh. He came to explain. We shared a moment that I was far too young, and far to insecure to understand... However, from that moment... he had my attention. My first real CRUSH. But I am sure I wasn't the only one.

A year later, a discussion in the resturaunt would allow my infatuation to hit new levels... "Hi Todd, where's your girlfriend?", answer "school", quote "she is so pretty I can hardly take my eyes off her"... the story of all stories, the story Todd has to repeat over and over to all my girlfriends that admitt they think he is something else too! That is MY ego booster, that comment has been used time and time again when I'm feeling old, fat, ugly and worthless.... Monte Stewart Burton thinks I'm pretty! :P That comment will carry me a lifetime!

To be honest, that is it. Each encounter is a hello or a smile, but always with the twinkle in his eye that made my heart flutter. His smile could lighten any of my moods. I can see it so vividly in my mind. I'm going to miss him... even if it was just the thought of him.

I'm still crying... Maybe not so much for him, but for thought of him. For the thought that in this world existed a man that has all those qualities I am looking for in a partner. I know that most of it was poetic and imagined, but at least there was a face to associate that dream with... A hunter, a fisherman, a husband, a lover, a friend, a believer, a wealth generator, a getleman, a supporter and an achiever. Sigh. I put wedding cake under my pillow last night and I dreamt of Todd.

Just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love!

Hi All! The celebrating is on! One book down and only 11 more books to go! I have promised my self that I am going to read a book a month, and I am already behind schedule.... What to read now? I have started two books. One is "Awaken the GIANT within" and the other is "All that we SAY is ours". Both have started out as interesting books, but both very different in value and purpose. I will not say either way what I mean by that!

Life is looking up! I feel alive, my body feels healthy, I feel grateful for many things, and most of all, I have a sense of freedom! I am going to fly on this for the next little while and enjoy the ride, as it is almost like I have a sense of HOPE! lol

Today, I am lovin life...

One... is just a number :o)

I can hardly believe it! After a year of solid working out I have tipped the scale one pound heavier than when I started! I know, I know, there are many reasons why this could have happened, and I know that those of you reading this blog would offer your condolences and say "well, muscle weighs more than fat", or "you LOOK thinner", but this just can not be true! All those nights of wishing someone would just shoot me as I lay there in agony from the workout the day before... for what? An extra pound! Why is it that this has to be so difficult? Why is it that something that was so darn easy to put on is so friggen challenging to take off?? Sigh....

Ok, ok... 3.5" off my waist, 2" off my hips and an inch here and there... is an accomplishment~! I feel better and I am far more fit than when i started. I remember the first workout at the hall... I couldn't lift my butt off the ground to do planks, definitely couldn't do a regular pushup, and couldn't run a lap if my life depended on it! Now, I can do those planks, I can do regular pushups and I can run... uh... no I can't, but I am still trying!

So really, am I defined by that number on that scale? Does my personality, life, self confidence, and self worth depend on whether or not I am a certain size? LOL No, of course not. I would have to say that all those things would definitely be a lot "lighter" without all the excess weight. Being overweight is so tiring! But I am getting there.... And as of today, right now, I am on a mission.

My best friend is getting married in October of 2010. I have been asked to be the Maid of Honor =) So... I am determined to lose 100lbs. Does it seem excessive? or unlikely? Well... maybe it is, but, maybe its not. I have exactly 38 weeks to accomplish this task, which means, I need to lose an average of  2.6 lbs per week and an average of 10.4 lbs a month. Hmmmm.... Can it be done? Well.... we will see. Let's face it... with my 1 pound gain over a one year period.... I'd be happy to lose 5 pounds at this point! haha!

This is the picture that made me decide it was time to get moving. Well, actually this is not it, because I deleted the picture off the face of this earth!!! Never to be seen again! Too bad! It would have made a good reminder of where I would NEVER want to be again. But, this picture will do too. When I seen this picture I could not believe how ROUND I got!

So, here we go...

Isn't it funny...

Isn't it funny how we find ourselves reading the pages of a book that you can completely and utterly identify with? Or how the theatre just doesn't have anything else playing but the one movie that just happens to be a sappy love story that deals with some of the issues in your life today?  Or out of the blue that person you haven't talked to in years comes back into your life to give you a lift... and that is exactly what you needed?

I picked up the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert a few months back and found myself in that very situation. The beginning of the book could have been written by me! There I was in my so called life, picture perfect, yet so unhappy, so unfulfilled and so ready to surrender. The question is... to surrender to what, and what  decision needed to be made? Elizabeth chooses to escape her depression and loneliness by travelling to three different countries, something I would LOVE to do! But its not me, and her story is not mine. But I can relate to her pain for often I look in the mirror and wonder who the heck it is looking back at me :P How did I become this 34 year old woman that does not even resemble the woman I  dreamt I'd be as a child. When did I give up my dreams and end up... on the bathroom floor?

I went to a movie the other night called "Leap Year". Instantly I identified with the lead character and felt myself getting sucked into her world. Although her anal personality is nothing like mine ( oh gawd, I certainly hope it isn't!) I could identify with her need to have that.... whole package. Totally oblivious to the fact that what I really needed was true love. You know, that kind of love that is just so damn real that no one could miss it, and no other could doubt it! Then I realized, oh my god, I have that love... if I wanted it, but is it real... if I don't?  The interesting thing is that although I identified with this movie, it really didn't reflect any part of me. But when I went with a man that needed to understand why I am and can be the crazy woman I on occasion am, a man that needed to know about compromise in order to understand it is not about him. This movie was very much about me. Haha... I can make almost everything about me! Even as this same man lies there all stitched back together... I can probably find some way to make it about me!

Funny isn't it how something so unrelated can make you think... or is it that we only see what we want to see or need to see? I spent some time with some old friends a few weeks back and I discovered we are exactly where we choose to be. Each one of all had the same opportunities, yet we are all in such different places in our lives.... yet we are all in the same places in our lives. We hadn't changed, just our daily activities have. My point... and for some reason my writing ability could not bring me to it eloquently! I am the same person I was 20 years ago, only wiser, stronger, wider and older. My opportunities have not passed me by... I am just that much better prepared to make them happen :) Thanks girls! So off I go...

Oooo, a little beauty tip... NEVER get fake eyelashes if you don't live close to you esthetician! I'm afraid I'm worse for wear and now have found a new addiction!