Live with Intention...

Most of my life has been spent waiting for something great to happen. Up until now I have done things as a result of my environment, rarely have I intentionally made things happen. I am ready to live with intention.

Acceptance is the answer...

Oh my, how many times will this be the title to my blog? It seems to me like every new day presents me with something I have to accept or forgive. Gawd! I am just so friggen tired of having to accept that someone had a tough life and is treating me like shit because "they" are having a rough time! Or that I have to continuiously forgive people for trespassing against me when they KNOW they shouldn't be friggen trespassing!

Ok.... vented.

Haven't worked out in a while... this is a sign.

Decisions, decisions...

Mexico is calling my name...  Somehow manifesting a seat sale isn't going to get me there! I went to Mexico last year to visit one of my dearest friends. It was wonderful hanging out in the sun :) It was also where my journey to health began. As I sat on the beach I was surrounded by hard bodies that completely made me look like a beached whale! I recall coming home and looking at all my pictures thinking 'who the %^&* is that?' It was horrible, but at the same time it was a gift! After that moment I promised myself that I would make some changes towards a healthier me.

So, I started walking, going to circuit, and doing what I could to keep active. My goal for the year was 20lbs, but... Of course life happens and things didn't turn out the way I planned, but I did well enough! I quit smoking, and lost four pounds doing it! That my follower (lol) is an accomplishment! Each time I have quit smoking  I have gained 20lbs. This time around was no different :) So, I like to look at this year as a successful 24 lbs. gone... for good!

So, should I stay or should I go? I have always said that I wouldn't go to the same place twice unless I absolutely loved it. As much as I loved Mexico, I think I want to go to the East coast. I also want to go with my roommate. As big as our problems are, he is a blast to travel with when we don't have our children with us. He is motivating, fun and is just as excited about seeing something new as I am. He also has a strange ability to meet other people. Something I have never been very good at. Besides, he deserves it! He has to put up with me! lol Yes, I think I have made up my mind. The decision has been made. I am going to skip my trip to Mexico and I am  going to bring him... somewhere new :)

picture perfect...

As a mother, I try my best to teach my kids respect, love and adaptation. I do what I can to keep listening to the dreams my boys share so that not once, not ever do they feel like anything is impossible. I want so much for them to be passionate about their lives and the choices they make. I want to be that positive reminder to them that there is always someone  on their side.  In fact I want to be that for not only my children, but for my man too.

Kiijuuthlaas wants to be an entrepreneur. I am amazed daily by what comes out of that kids mouth! He is a pure genius and at times he is too smart for his own good. We have seen big changes in his attitude and personality in the past few months. He is a little person with his own ideas, boundries and expectations. I am very proud of him, and all the effort he has put into making good choices. We hit a rough patch... well, since Qwasaas was born.  It almost feels like the end is near and we will soon see him transform into that respectful young man I have been yelling at him to be :S Yes, he has the qualities of an entrepreneur... watch out for his smoothie stand  "coming this summer".

Qwasaas, well he is a totally different special all together. He'd have to be... putting up with the constant battles with his brother, always having to go second, and never getting to choose anything, or be better at anything truly takes a special person! I almost think he accepts it just so at the end of the night when we all go to sleep, he gets to sleep in the middle. haha. Not once has Kiijuuthlaas won that battle! Qwasaas and I are slowly getting to know each other. We didn't quite get the opportunity to form a bond like I did with the older one because I had to go back to work when he was 6months old :(  But it is getting better and better each day. He is very smart, very quick, very exact and very methodical. He is full of great stories, and has always been on the cheeky side. Out of the two of them he is definitely more sensitive, but also very good at being honest and assertive :) This guy knows his boundries and is very clear when he sets them. Whatever he chooses to do in life I am certain he will excel at it. I am so very lucky to know him :)

Giitsaanaagas, sigh. How did we get to where we are today? At 21 years of age he was exactly what I needed... and today... we have found ourselves leading totally different lives, speaking totally different languages, and chasing totally different dreams. Funny how that happens to two people even when they live in the same house! I like to blame him for all the problems we have, but I know its not true. It's just a case of leaving things until it was too late. Too bad really. I truly love him, but I can't compromise who I am to make him happy, and the fact of the matter is it wouldn't be fair to ask him to compromise for me. So we sit here in a stalemate, no one wanting to make a move. We have come to the agreement that our relationship is not what it once was. We have at least made it that far. It's working... for today.

So that is that! We live in a nice house, we drive nice cars, we have nice kids, and we are nice to each other. Nice, but not perfect...

The workouts this past week were awesome! Just one more jog and one more bootcamp  this week! I really think I am going to kick this weight this year! My goal: 145lbs.

Generational differences...

Human Resources is an art. This becomes evident when one is faced with a problem that is so clearly about egos, and no delicate way of informing them they are in the way!

The struggle between generations is great in the workplace. After recent events in my "day job" I am going to commit myself to taking Human Resource training in order to better serve my employees. I suppose that is lesson #2 for this year.

There is always a solution... its just a matter of finding it.

The workout battle has been eliminated. I'm on a roll...

Struggles...

The big smoke was a lot of fun! A marathon of movies and visits, not to mention a casino loss of about $80! Ouch! Sorry J, there goes your babysitting money :(

I brought my mom to her residence for the next few weeks and she seemed so happy to be there. I am glad. For the past six months I have watched her struggle with everything from getting dressed, walking, climbing stairs, washing her hair, etc. It almost seems like her whole life revolves around her struggles, that she doesn't really have any other activities that don't relate to taking her meds, going to appointments, trying to figure out what is wrong. Her struggles are legit, and so unfair. Despite it all, she keeps moving along towards... Oh I don't know, the end.

The visit with my father was wonderful. It was full of laughter, tears, naps and food. The perfect day I would say :) He is full of stories, rhyme and reason. Oh, maybe I am tooting his horn because when I walked in he said "wow, you look great! looks like you've lost some weight" haha. Never has that man ever told me I looked good. Usually he starts off in a lecture about inputs and outputs. Great man, but not always the most considerate. My father has a heart of gold and the tendency to be too generous with it. Doesn't seem to sit well with his mrs. At the ripe old age of 78 he has found himself in a place where he has to start over again or sit back quietly while he struggles with the notion that someone else is planning his life. He is not the type to sit back. Right now his life is consumed with making his plans to live his life the way HE wants to. Instead he is planning his end. Arranging his funeral. The time is ticking... a little quicker each day. After it is all said and done, what difference does it make where you go when you die?

I had to think of my mother as I went shopping for clothes. Every size 18 pair of jeans I barely squeezed on I had to tell myself, it could be worse... The fact they didn't fit right had nothing to do with my physical ability to put them on... or did it? Is it that my struggle was no different than my mothers? That my weight has consumed me and that my life revolve around my struggle with it. I think about it when I cook, when I eat, when I shower, when I get dressed. It's no different... I am crippled by my size. It is not that I do not love who I am, my body and all the parts of it, for I very much do. The true struggle is with the fact that I am a strong Haida woman and I know how to set goals and accomplish them, but have never really seemed to be able to achieve this one. This bothers me, and the thought of this failure to achieve is at the forefront of my life. How sad is that?

My sister and I caught the bus from my dads' the other night. There was a girl there struggling with her bags. My sister asked her if she needed help. So, we helped her... what an awesome person she is! She said she hates to struggle alone, so she likes to help people that are struggling. All I know is that it put a little glow in my heart to see that young girls face filled with relief that someone would come and rescue her :) Maybe that is what we all need. Someone to rescue us from our struggles, or better yet someone to help you through them.

Circuit tonight. I can hardly weight! lol I know.

Oh! and welcome to my first follower :) your a complete doll!

Letting Go...

Letting go... Easier said than done! We laid to rest a very beautiful soul today. I am completely overwhelmed with great sadness. I love people, and try to be kind, however it is very rare that I actually give my heart to others. She had a piece of my heart, and I do not know why. Maybe it was because I never had the opportunity to know my own Nonnie, and she was exactly what I thought a Nonnie should be? Maybe it was because each time I seen her she would encourage me to keep doing what I was doing despite the countless complaints. There are always complaints aren't there? And wether or not they are legit, they still have the ability to discourage even the most focused people. But not me... not with her on my side... Now what? What is the gift in this? Maybe the gift is that I had the opportunity to know her... even if it was for a short time. Or, maybe the gift has not revealed itself as yet... I feel bad for those closest to her because if I feel the pain I do, I can't even imagine what torment they are going through.

I am a true believer in that we are only given what we can handle, and that god provides us with the tools we need to handle what he gives us. Just as he puts people in our lives for a reason... all people. I should say that I am not a religious person in the sense that I am a christian. I do not believe in a Christian God. What I do believe is that God is love, and we are all capable of it. That he lives in all things and is exactly what we think he is, beyond our wildest imaginations. Religion, spirituality is personal and my thoughts and feelings regarding this topic are solely mine. I do not judge you or anyone else for their beliefs, for I think we are all right. He is exactly what we need him to be. Again, not to complicate things anymore... I do not believe he is a he or she. I believe he just is. I will admit that I can be captured by the "holy spirit" when I hear a good song, or a powerful scripture. But to me that is because God just is... the feeling of love.

Faith. Maybe that is what I needed to be reminded of in order to find myself in the layers that I bare. Faith in myself so that I don't need to look outside for that encouragement. And if I truly believe that love is my faith, then what I really need is to love myself. Love myself enough to make the changes I know I have to make in order to reach my destination of health, success, and happiness. Maybe that is the gift...

Well... I'm off to the big smoke tomorrow. I can hardly wait. My father awaits with more lessons to teach and learn I am sure.

A New Year...

What a wonderful evening filled with friends and family :) It was great to ring in the new year with my children, I have two, and to see the excitement in their eyes when they realized what was going on and the celebration that followed. Off to bed for them, and a night of driving to ensure my friends made it home safe and sound...

I realized tonight some things about my life that I am feeling I need to address. In order to be that fearless leader I know I need to take care of loose ends of my past. I especially need to trust that there is a reason why things have happened the way they have, and that they will resolve themselves the way they need to be resolved. So I suppose lesson #! for the year is to trust myself.

Happy New Year! Bring on 2010!