Not sure...

I use to LOVE with everything in my heart, and today I sit here wondering if I could ever love again… I feel numb. I look to the past and a stranger looks back at me. How did I become so bitter, so mad, and so very angry at you? Where did my heart go? Shouldn’t I be feeling something?

Shouldn’t you?

I wanted to love you, but I couldn't seem to find it in my heart to give you that empty part of me. There was nothing there for you, and to play the part was like a lie, a facade, a haze that I tried to put over your eyes so that I can cheat you out of a lifetime of happiness for a moment of.... nothing. 

My guilt is overwhelming. I left you, when you needed me... 

I deserve to live free, to love free, and to give myself the happiness that has escaped me for years, and to look for it... somewhere. I can go on, move on, and roam to where I think my love could grow, and in the end...  you are still there. You are always there.

. 

And then I realize.... I am here... somewhere.... and that is what I need to figure out. So be patient, and I will return for you. 

35th Birthday Judgement...

Well... Here I am... 35 years old, feeling great! It's so amazing how fast time flies! It seems like yesterday I was turning 22. How so much has changed! How I've changed! I am happy! My life is so far from perfect, and I haven't reached all the dreams I have set for myself, but damn do I ever feel proud of what I have done!

Yesterday a good friend told me that my name was being bashed to the ground by two people I love. Ten years ago I would have dug a hole and climbed in. Yesterday I asked him "After all that they said to you, do you feel differently about me? Do you still love me for what you know of me? Do you judge me? Because in all reality, I love myself, I love those around me, and everything I do is out of love, and yes, sometimes that includes loving myself enough to take care of me. The real question is... did you defend me?"

I am real. I am worth love. Because I know this, no words can break me. Today I am a phenomenal woman with skeletons, bruises, hurts, joys and qualities only I need to love. I love all of me. So I say... God is my judge... not you.

What to do on my birthday>>> Hmmm... is the beach calling my name?

Love to you all!!

April Showers...

Wow, what a month this has been! So much has happened that I have barely had the time to breathe!

It started out with a playful April Fool's joke on my children. They were so mad! As a mother I have to be creative at getting them out of bed in the morning, so I told Nathaniel and Wyatt that his birthday present came early this year! His birthday is on the 5th.  Man oh, man they were up fast that morning! And so very mad at me when they realized I was just joking. Nathaniel stomped his feet and yelled "I didn't believe you! I didn't believe you! I was just checking!" Poor sport. He got over it!

So after countless days of revising his list, we hosted a birthday party on the beach for Nathaniel. He stayed in the truck the whole time! He's not the beach bum I was as a child. We flew kites, laughed, played, ran and ate. No, we didn't but the intent was there!  After a few hours of hanging with the kids, I threw the family's easter dinner while my boys went to their Grannies for cake and ice-cream with my babies' daddy's side of the family :P Nathaniel has always been a little different than other kids, and for his birthday he was adamant that he would get a Question Mark Cake. So his awesome "sister" whipped it up, and made him the happiest kid around :) 

Then life changed... My dear sister Bev's son was shot and killed early this month. What a tragic event it has been, and what a waste of an amazing young man. I didn't not spend a lot of time with Brent. Bev moved to Neepawa a good 15 years ago. But he was family, and he was loved. 23 years of age this amazing young man had RRSP's, a Savings Account, and Life Insurance. I am so very impressed with his maturity at such a young age. I am also so very saddened by how he died. A 21 year old kid that he didn't even know, shot him because he wouldn't let him in the party. This my fans, is utterly pointless and such a complete waste!  My father, my sister, my family, no longer untouched by tragedy. Out of the 12 sisters, 2 brothers, 40+ nieces and nephews, and 10+ great nieces and nephews, we are down by one. And for this Moore clan, it was so hard to take :( The funeral was held in Manitoba, and I didn't go. Sigh. I couldn't go.

Life has been crazy! I have been humbled, and feel certain that I have learned some serious lessons in this past month. I have learned that my love is not conditional, and therefore I cannot impose conditions on others, nor them on me. I learned that I am not the good looking 20 year old that I was 5 year ago. No, I'm kidding. I have learned that true friends... are there not to judge you, but to love you. I don't know what I am going to do, but I feel change hovering in the air around me. I know that I am at a point in which I need to make a decision about my future and how that is going to look, and I truly think I am ready to make it happen. What do "they" say? Be the change you want to be. 

I lost 10lbs this month! whoot whoot!

Here's to New Beginnings :)

Alright, so things are going to change around here. I can live with that. Afterall, isn't that what I have been waiting for? A new beginning awaits and the potential is unlimited. So bring it on, and lets make it worth it!

The value of family...

Its been a month since I last blogged. I've been busy :) Life has a way of bringing things to the table I never expected, and some of it is wonderful, and some of it is... well, not so wonderful. All of it is necessary.

A little piece of South America has touched my life. My new dear friend Marina Salazar from Bolivia has spent the last month educating me on her country and the way they live, their customs, and their economy; and in exchange I have shared my home, my chaotic life and a little bit of who I am.  The truth is, I invited her into the midst of change, and in return she gave me a totally new perspective. During her visit we spent a lot of time working out, and a lot of time at the beach :) It was serenity, and has completely restored my faith in my ability to make new friends.

We began her adventure at Valentino :) What a fun evening that was!  Rodney was a hit with the newly wed game, and  fun was had by all... with the exception of the terrible final act :P Who let them in the building? Then we watched every movie in my library at least two times :) She loves chick flicks, and I must admit, it did not hurt one bit to have to watch them all again! OOOOooo which reminds me! Julia Roberts is the lead in Eat, Pray, Love! Whoot Whoot! And, most importantly I introduced her to Michael Buble, whom she LOVES :)

Bolivia is land locked and that facinates me! I could not imagine not seeing the ocean every day. She does not have the luxury of the ocean, the waves, the smell.  I personally think by the time she left here she can't imagine not being able to see the ocean everyday either! :)  I took her to the local fish plant to take pictures of the boys and the start of their clam digging season :) After this visit she wanted to know where the clams came from... it would be weeks until I could finally get motivated to hang out on the beach during a digging tide.

I have a totally new respect for diggers and somewhat feel they are completely underrated in their efforts! Its a lot of hard work in a simply cold environment. I do not blame them for not wanting to dig for less than a dollar a pound!

We found a digger that was willing to teach and willing to share the secret. Marina wanted to know how they knew where the clams were, and of course I told her that the Haida are connected to the razor clams as our ancestors were. That they spoke to us and offered themselves as a sacrificial nourishment for our children. Well.... it sounded good, however she never believed me. So we began stomping the beach in search of a fine feast :) Little did she know, digging was the easy part, and once we were done cleaning asked "why is it that men always have the easy job?" haha...  Dinner was AWESOME that night!

While she was here I had thought I would learn a ton of Spanish.... it didn't happen. I learnt two words. 'Skeena'  which means the corner of an object, and 'tesoro', which means something you treasure.

Her "tesoro" was a speech by Lewis Collinson:

People are like trees, and groups of people are like the forests. 

While the forests are composed of many different kinds of trees, 

these trees intertwine their roots so strongly that it is impossible for 

the strongest winds which blow on our islands to uproot the forest, 

for each tree strengthens its neighbour, and their roots are inextricably intertwined.

In the same way the people of our Islands, composed of members of nations and races from all over the world, are beginning to intertwine their roots so strongly that no troubles will affect them.

Just as one tree standing alone would soon be destroyed by the first strong wind which came along, so it is impossible for any person, any family, or any community to stand alone against the troubles of this world.

Chief Skidegate - Lewis CollinsonMarch 1966

 The past three weeks have really been exactly what I needed. I needed a good friend, laughs, family, my land, and most of all the wonderful gift of sharing. I do not know if "God" put her in my life or if I was put in hers, but for whatever the reason, I am grateful and happy that I had the opportunity to meet Marina Salazar.  She was truly a 'tesoro'. xoxo Until we meet again :)

Tired...

I am so tired... Physically, emotionally, and 100% spiritually! I have a mountain of intentions, and no energy to follow though! Why is it that one day of grey weather drags me into the depths of despair with not a hope to escape even for a moment? I feel like a schizophrenic some days. Like my mind and body are battling a battle that just cannot be won, therefore I'm left standing there confused and lightheaded from all the noise. DRAMATIC. Lol, that is what I am, but why not? Life is one big stage and am I not the main player of my own world... yes, that is how one gets themselves locked up.

I embrace life, yet all around us it seems like all we witness is death. Is everyone else not as tired and numb as I am? The love of my life... (Well not really! that is the drama queen in me speaking!) Dies the other day and I can only cry for one day? To hear the news of my favorite Haida Language mentor dying and all I can do is say I'm sorry, then continue on working. Gawd, what price we have to pay to be a Haida! Immune to tragedy, and almost in full expectation of it! No wonder our people are so apathetic. We can't even feel pain anymore! sigh... ok, that is getting crazy depressed... I'll choose to shake that feeling...

Life is short! So lets live it! So many times I get stuck in this rut, and I DON”T want to be in it! I want to do the things I dream of doing, go after the goals I have set, and have no regrets attached to any of it.

I love working. I have always loved to work; something my father gifted me with. I want to work more and not feel guilty about my kids and their friggen report cards. I try my best with them and they are smart, funny, and kind. I love them to pieces! If Nathaniel doesn’t want to participate in gym, does that really have to reflect what time he goes to bed? If Nathaniel doesn’t like to sing in choir does that make him a bad child?  If Wyatt doesn’t want to share with his classmates, does that mean he has to improve his social skills? NO, no, no… come on people! They are 6 and 7 years old. They have healthy boundaries and know how to make choices. I have taught them that. Now is all this a reflection of ME? Yes, it is…. But not because I work too much, or don’t put my kids to bed at 7pm. I have taught them to negotiate, to share when they want to share and sing when they feel like singing, to trust themselves and the choices they make.  Whatever… Drama. My kids are…. Perfect. LOL

"Its not me, its my metabolism” I’m going to get my thyroid checked. I have far too many of the symptoms, and the fact that my mother was just dealing with the same problem may be an indicator.

Ooo! I can run 3 mins! Yaay! See... schizophrenic!

A twinkle can last a lifetime...

I can't stop crying. My heart is crushed...

I remember the first time I seen him. He was getting into his truck after checking his mail. I sat in my sister's car and I watched him. He looked over, stopped, and with that unbelieveable twinkle in his eye, he looked right at me and smiled. From that moment... I knew he would be the man I compared all others to.

I didn't know him, I mean, I didn't REALLY know him, but in my mind he was the epitomy of  that I wanted in a man; tall, dark, handsome, confident and the center of every room he walked in to. I just filled in the blanks... he was sincere, honest, loving, and the list goes on...  any imagination could do that. I don't know if he was any of those things, but I'm sure he was :)

I delivered his divorce papers. sigh. He came to explain. We shared a moment that I was far too young, and far to insecure to understand... However, from that moment... he had my attention. My first real CRUSH. But I am sure I wasn't the only one.

A year later, a discussion in the resturaunt would allow my infatuation to hit new levels... "Hi Todd, where's your girlfriend?", answer "school", quote "she is so pretty I can hardly take my eyes off her"... the story of all stories, the story Todd has to repeat over and over to all my girlfriends that admitt they think he is something else too! That is MY ego booster, that comment has been used time and time again when I'm feeling old, fat, ugly and worthless.... Monte Stewart Burton thinks I'm pretty! :P That comment will carry me a lifetime!

To be honest, that is it. Each encounter is a hello or a smile, but always with the twinkle in his eye that made my heart flutter. His smile could lighten any of my moods. I can see it so vividly in my mind. I'm going to miss him... even if it was just the thought of him.

I'm still crying... Maybe not so much for him, but for thought of him. For the thought that in this world existed a man that has all those qualities I am looking for in a partner. I know that most of it was poetic and imagined, but at least there was a face to associate that dream with... A hunter, a fisherman, a husband, a lover, a friend, a believer, a wealth generator, a getleman, a supporter and an achiever. Sigh. I put wedding cake under my pillow last night and I dreamt of Todd.

Just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love!

Hi All! The celebrating is on! One book down and only 11 more books to go! I have promised my self that I am going to read a book a month, and I am already behind schedule.... What to read now? I have started two books. One is "Awaken the GIANT within" and the other is "All that we SAY is ours". Both have started out as interesting books, but both very different in value and purpose. I will not say either way what I mean by that!

Life is looking up! I feel alive, my body feels healthy, I feel grateful for many things, and most of all, I have a sense of freedom! I am going to fly on this for the next little while and enjoy the ride, as it is almost like I have a sense of HOPE! lol

Today, I am lovin life...

One... is just a number :o)

I can hardly believe it! After a year of solid working out I have tipped the scale one pound heavier than when I started! I know, I know, there are many reasons why this could have happened, and I know that those of you reading this blog would offer your condolences and say "well, muscle weighs more than fat", or "you LOOK thinner", but this just can not be true! All those nights of wishing someone would just shoot me as I lay there in agony from the workout the day before... for what? An extra pound! Why is it that this has to be so difficult? Why is it that something that was so darn easy to put on is so friggen challenging to take off?? Sigh....

Ok, ok... 3.5" off my waist, 2" off my hips and an inch here and there... is an accomplishment~! I feel better and I am far more fit than when i started. I remember the first workout at the hall... I couldn't lift my butt off the ground to do planks, definitely couldn't do a regular pushup, and couldn't run a lap if my life depended on it! Now, I can do those planks, I can do regular pushups and I can run... uh... no I can't, but I am still trying!

So really, am I defined by that number on that scale? Does my personality, life, self confidence, and self worth depend on whether or not I am a certain size? LOL No, of course not. I would have to say that all those things would definitely be a lot "lighter" without all the excess weight. Being overweight is so tiring! But I am getting there.... And as of today, right now, I am on a mission.

My best friend is getting married in October of 2010. I have been asked to be the Maid of Honor =) So... I am determined to lose 100lbs. Does it seem excessive? or unlikely? Well... maybe it is, but, maybe its not. I have exactly 38 weeks to accomplish this task, which means, I need to lose an average of  2.6 lbs per week and an average of 10.4 lbs a month. Hmmmm.... Can it be done? Well.... we will see. Let's face it... with my 1 pound gain over a one year period.... I'd be happy to lose 5 pounds at this point! haha!

This is the picture that made me decide it was time to get moving. Well, actually this is not it, because I deleted the picture off the face of this earth!!! Never to be seen again! Too bad! It would have made a good reminder of where I would NEVER want to be again. But, this picture will do too. When I seen this picture I could not believe how ROUND I got!

So, here we go...

Isn't it funny...

Isn't it funny how we find ourselves reading the pages of a book that you can completely and utterly identify with? Or how the theatre just doesn't have anything else playing but the one movie that just happens to be a sappy love story that deals with some of the issues in your life today?  Or out of the blue that person you haven't talked to in years comes back into your life to give you a lift... and that is exactly what you needed?

I picked up the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert a few months back and found myself in that very situation. The beginning of the book could have been written by me! There I was in my so called life, picture perfect, yet so unhappy, so unfulfilled and so ready to surrender. The question is... to surrender to what, and what  decision needed to be made? Elizabeth chooses to escape her depression and loneliness by travelling to three different countries, something I would LOVE to do! But its not me, and her story is not mine. But I can relate to her pain for often I look in the mirror and wonder who the heck it is looking back at me :P How did I become this 34 year old woman that does not even resemble the woman I  dreamt I'd be as a child. When did I give up my dreams and end up... on the bathroom floor?

I went to a movie the other night called "Leap Year". Instantly I identified with the lead character and felt myself getting sucked into her world. Although her anal personality is nothing like mine ( oh gawd, I certainly hope it isn't!) I could identify with her need to have that.... whole package. Totally oblivious to the fact that what I really needed was true love. You know, that kind of love that is just so damn real that no one could miss it, and no other could doubt it! Then I realized, oh my god, I have that love... if I wanted it, but is it real... if I don't?  The interesting thing is that although I identified with this movie, it really didn't reflect any part of me. But when I went with a man that needed to understand why I am and can be the crazy woman I on occasion am, a man that needed to know about compromise in order to understand it is not about him. This movie was very much about me. Haha... I can make almost everything about me! Even as this same man lies there all stitched back together... I can probably find some way to make it about me!

Funny isn't it how something so unrelated can make you think... or is it that we only see what we want to see or need to see? I spent some time with some old friends a few weeks back and I discovered we are exactly where we choose to be. Each one of all had the same opportunities, yet we are all in such different places in our lives.... yet we are all in the same places in our lives. We hadn't changed, just our daily activities have. My point... and for some reason my writing ability could not bring me to it eloquently! I am the same person I was 20 years ago, only wiser, stronger, wider and older. My opportunities have not passed me by... I am just that much better prepared to make them happen :) Thanks girls! So off I go...

Oooo, a little beauty tip... NEVER get fake eyelashes if you don't live close to you esthetician! I'm afraid I'm worse for wear and now have found a new addiction!

Live with Intention...

Most of my life has been spent waiting for something great to happen. Up until now I have done things as a result of my environment, rarely have I intentionally made things happen. I am ready to live with intention.

Acceptance is the answer...

Oh my, how many times will this be the title to my blog? It seems to me like every new day presents me with something I have to accept or forgive. Gawd! I am just so friggen tired of having to accept that someone had a tough life and is treating me like shit because "they" are having a rough time! Or that I have to continuiously forgive people for trespassing against me when they KNOW they shouldn't be friggen trespassing!

Ok.... vented.

Haven't worked out in a while... this is a sign.

Decisions, decisions...

Mexico is calling my name...  Somehow manifesting a seat sale isn't going to get me there! I went to Mexico last year to visit one of my dearest friends. It was wonderful hanging out in the sun :) It was also where my journey to health began. As I sat on the beach I was surrounded by hard bodies that completely made me look like a beached whale! I recall coming home and looking at all my pictures thinking 'who the %^&* is that?' It was horrible, but at the same time it was a gift! After that moment I promised myself that I would make some changes towards a healthier me.

So, I started walking, going to circuit, and doing what I could to keep active. My goal for the year was 20lbs, but... Of course life happens and things didn't turn out the way I planned, but I did well enough! I quit smoking, and lost four pounds doing it! That my follower (lol) is an accomplishment! Each time I have quit smoking  I have gained 20lbs. This time around was no different :) So, I like to look at this year as a successful 24 lbs. gone... for good!

So, should I stay or should I go? I have always said that I wouldn't go to the same place twice unless I absolutely loved it. As much as I loved Mexico, I think I want to go to the East coast. I also want to go with my roommate. As big as our problems are, he is a blast to travel with when we don't have our children with us. He is motivating, fun and is just as excited about seeing something new as I am. He also has a strange ability to meet other people. Something I have never been very good at. Besides, he deserves it! He has to put up with me! lol Yes, I think I have made up my mind. The decision has been made. I am going to skip my trip to Mexico and I am  going to bring him... somewhere new :)

picture perfect...

As a mother, I try my best to teach my kids respect, love and adaptation. I do what I can to keep listening to the dreams my boys share so that not once, not ever do they feel like anything is impossible. I want so much for them to be passionate about their lives and the choices they make. I want to be that positive reminder to them that there is always someone  on their side.  In fact I want to be that for not only my children, but for my man too.

Kiijuuthlaas wants to be an entrepreneur. I am amazed daily by what comes out of that kids mouth! He is a pure genius and at times he is too smart for his own good. We have seen big changes in his attitude and personality in the past few months. He is a little person with his own ideas, boundries and expectations. I am very proud of him, and all the effort he has put into making good choices. We hit a rough patch... well, since Qwasaas was born.  It almost feels like the end is near and we will soon see him transform into that respectful young man I have been yelling at him to be :S Yes, he has the qualities of an entrepreneur... watch out for his smoothie stand  "coming this summer".

Qwasaas, well he is a totally different special all together. He'd have to be... putting up with the constant battles with his brother, always having to go second, and never getting to choose anything, or be better at anything truly takes a special person! I almost think he accepts it just so at the end of the night when we all go to sleep, he gets to sleep in the middle. haha. Not once has Kiijuuthlaas won that battle! Qwasaas and I are slowly getting to know each other. We didn't quite get the opportunity to form a bond like I did with the older one because I had to go back to work when he was 6months old :(  But it is getting better and better each day. He is very smart, very quick, very exact and very methodical. He is full of great stories, and has always been on the cheeky side. Out of the two of them he is definitely more sensitive, but also very good at being honest and assertive :) This guy knows his boundries and is very clear when he sets them. Whatever he chooses to do in life I am certain he will excel at it. I am so very lucky to know him :)

Giitsaanaagas, sigh. How did we get to where we are today? At 21 years of age he was exactly what I needed... and today... we have found ourselves leading totally different lives, speaking totally different languages, and chasing totally different dreams. Funny how that happens to two people even when they live in the same house! I like to blame him for all the problems we have, but I know its not true. It's just a case of leaving things until it was too late. Too bad really. I truly love him, but I can't compromise who I am to make him happy, and the fact of the matter is it wouldn't be fair to ask him to compromise for me. So we sit here in a stalemate, no one wanting to make a move. We have come to the agreement that our relationship is not what it once was. We have at least made it that far. It's working... for today.

So that is that! We live in a nice house, we drive nice cars, we have nice kids, and we are nice to each other. Nice, but not perfect...

The workouts this past week were awesome! Just one more jog and one more bootcamp  this week! I really think I am going to kick this weight this year! My goal: 145lbs.

Generational differences...

Human Resources is an art. This becomes evident when one is faced with a problem that is so clearly about egos, and no delicate way of informing them they are in the way!

The struggle between generations is great in the workplace. After recent events in my "day job" I am going to commit myself to taking Human Resource training in order to better serve my employees. I suppose that is lesson #2 for this year.

There is always a solution... its just a matter of finding it.

The workout battle has been eliminated. I'm on a roll...

Struggles...

The big smoke was a lot of fun! A marathon of movies and visits, not to mention a casino loss of about $80! Ouch! Sorry J, there goes your babysitting money :(

I brought my mom to her residence for the next few weeks and she seemed so happy to be there. I am glad. For the past six months I have watched her struggle with everything from getting dressed, walking, climbing stairs, washing her hair, etc. It almost seems like her whole life revolves around her struggles, that she doesn't really have any other activities that don't relate to taking her meds, going to appointments, trying to figure out what is wrong. Her struggles are legit, and so unfair. Despite it all, she keeps moving along towards... Oh I don't know, the end.

The visit with my father was wonderful. It was full of laughter, tears, naps and food. The perfect day I would say :) He is full of stories, rhyme and reason. Oh, maybe I am tooting his horn because when I walked in he said "wow, you look great! looks like you've lost some weight" haha. Never has that man ever told me I looked good. Usually he starts off in a lecture about inputs and outputs. Great man, but not always the most considerate. My father has a heart of gold and the tendency to be too generous with it. Doesn't seem to sit well with his mrs. At the ripe old age of 78 he has found himself in a place where he has to start over again or sit back quietly while he struggles with the notion that someone else is planning his life. He is not the type to sit back. Right now his life is consumed with making his plans to live his life the way HE wants to. Instead he is planning his end. Arranging his funeral. The time is ticking... a little quicker each day. After it is all said and done, what difference does it make where you go when you die?

I had to think of my mother as I went shopping for clothes. Every size 18 pair of jeans I barely squeezed on I had to tell myself, it could be worse... The fact they didn't fit right had nothing to do with my physical ability to put them on... or did it? Is it that my struggle was no different than my mothers? That my weight has consumed me and that my life revolve around my struggle with it. I think about it when I cook, when I eat, when I shower, when I get dressed. It's no different... I am crippled by my size. It is not that I do not love who I am, my body and all the parts of it, for I very much do. The true struggle is with the fact that I am a strong Haida woman and I know how to set goals and accomplish them, but have never really seemed to be able to achieve this one. This bothers me, and the thought of this failure to achieve is at the forefront of my life. How sad is that?

My sister and I caught the bus from my dads' the other night. There was a girl there struggling with her bags. My sister asked her if she needed help. So, we helped her... what an awesome person she is! She said she hates to struggle alone, so she likes to help people that are struggling. All I know is that it put a little glow in my heart to see that young girls face filled with relief that someone would come and rescue her :) Maybe that is what we all need. Someone to rescue us from our struggles, or better yet someone to help you through them.

Circuit tonight. I can hardly weight! lol I know.

Oh! and welcome to my first follower :) your a complete doll!

Letting Go...

Letting go... Easier said than done! We laid to rest a very beautiful soul today. I am completely overwhelmed with great sadness. I love people, and try to be kind, however it is very rare that I actually give my heart to others. She had a piece of my heart, and I do not know why. Maybe it was because I never had the opportunity to know my own Nonnie, and she was exactly what I thought a Nonnie should be? Maybe it was because each time I seen her she would encourage me to keep doing what I was doing despite the countless complaints. There are always complaints aren't there? And wether or not they are legit, they still have the ability to discourage even the most focused people. But not me... not with her on my side... Now what? What is the gift in this? Maybe the gift is that I had the opportunity to know her... even if it was for a short time. Or, maybe the gift has not revealed itself as yet... I feel bad for those closest to her because if I feel the pain I do, I can't even imagine what torment they are going through.

I am a true believer in that we are only given what we can handle, and that god provides us with the tools we need to handle what he gives us. Just as he puts people in our lives for a reason... all people. I should say that I am not a religious person in the sense that I am a christian. I do not believe in a Christian God. What I do believe is that God is love, and we are all capable of it. That he lives in all things and is exactly what we think he is, beyond our wildest imaginations. Religion, spirituality is personal and my thoughts and feelings regarding this topic are solely mine. I do not judge you or anyone else for their beliefs, for I think we are all right. He is exactly what we need him to be. Again, not to complicate things anymore... I do not believe he is a he or she. I believe he just is. I will admit that I can be captured by the "holy spirit" when I hear a good song, or a powerful scripture. But to me that is because God just is... the feeling of love.

Faith. Maybe that is what I needed to be reminded of in order to find myself in the layers that I bare. Faith in myself so that I don't need to look outside for that encouragement. And if I truly believe that love is my faith, then what I really need is to love myself. Love myself enough to make the changes I know I have to make in order to reach my destination of health, success, and happiness. Maybe that is the gift...

Well... I'm off to the big smoke tomorrow. I can hardly wait. My father awaits with more lessons to teach and learn I am sure.

A New Year...

What a wonderful evening filled with friends and family :) It was great to ring in the new year with my children, I have two, and to see the excitement in their eyes when they realized what was going on and the celebration that followed. Off to bed for them, and a night of driving to ensure my friends made it home safe and sound...

I realized tonight some things about my life that I am feeling I need to address. In order to be that fearless leader I know I need to take care of loose ends of my past. I especially need to trust that there is a reason why things have happened the way they have, and that they will resolve themselves the way they need to be resolved. So I suppose lesson #! for the year is to trust myself.

Happy New Year! Bring on 2010!