My mother... myself.

I don't think anyone can really prepare you for the death of your mother. Not even my own mother who had been preparing us for the past 10 years. She had made sure that we knew her time was near but  her willingness to go didn't really soften the reality of her exit from this world and into the next. When she is gone, she is gone, and there is nothing you can really do about it.  My mom was kind of like that. Spontaneous, abrupt, impatient. People try to comfort you with their messages of "she is in a better place" or "she was ready to go". Awkward conversations start with "I'm really sorry to hear about your mom". What do you say? What can you say? "Thanks, yeah, she is in a better place". All so thoughtful, but really there isn't anything anyone can say or do to change that fact that your life is permanently changed for ever.

When my mom died I was surprised just how often waves of emotion overcame me, and engulfed the very depth of my soul.  Afterall, she had prepared us so well. The moments of regret, sadness, dispair, regret, so very overwhelming, and so very exhausting.  I tried to mourn in silence, you know, not make a scene, try to be "tough". But when a thundering wave of emotion comes crashing down on you, its kinda hard to remain standing.  Grief is not meant to be endured alone. Yet, all I want to be is alone.

My mom and I had spent years talking about all the sad things that happened in our lives. I had always felt like we had worked through the years of my childhood trauma, but what I failed to realize was that once we were through it, that we had an opportunity to build a better relationship than the one before. And we didn't. Instead we went through the motions and obligations of I being her daughter, and her being my mother. We never formed a "closeness" although I truly believe we both yearned for it. My mom was a good, loving, praying mother. She believed in us, but she was hard on us. She wanted us to be the best we could be, and that included being good daughters. I wasn't a very good daughter. Because once she left this world for the next, I realized that I had so much more to say, and it was that in which kept us polite. But I think, if I had been the daughter she really wanted me to be, I would have just told her the truth.... and by doing that we could have been closer. Because she had a basket full of tools that would show me how to be closer, if I just let her in. If I truly forgave her instead of pretending to. If only I tried to understand her, then maybe I would understand myself a bit better.

I see a lot work ahead of me.... you know, the forgiveness kind, for my mother, and myself. I know she is with me because I can sometimes feel her here. I know she can see me, and I know she knows that I have never been sadder in my life. And I know that she would want me to be as "tough" but I miss her. Oh how I miss her. I don't know how to live without her. I have spent my whole life trying to be independent of her, when in reality I needed her. I always needed her. Change is hard.

Christmas in Cuba...

Feliz año nuevo from Cuba! 

Ringing in 2016 with family in paradise was simply unforgettable. I've spent many years spending many hours getting ready to go out on the town to ring in the New Year, simply to find myself sitting at home, all dressed up without the desire to go anywhere.  New Year's Eve parties have never been my idea of the way to ring in the New Year, nor does sitting at home eating gross amounts of junk food, and drinking one after another of a somewhat unnecessary cocktail. Usually I end up feeling like "oh shit, there goes my diet in the first hour of the year!" But New Year's in Cuba... Now that is my cup of tea! It was fun, it was full of love, it was special, and most of all.... it was WARM! We decided to go to Cuba for the Holidays because before my father passed he wanted to go there. And OMG! I can totally see why. So when we received our inheritance we booked our tickets, and our most epic vacation ever began :)

New Year's Eve 2016

Cuba, what can I say? There is nothing like being in a foreign country, not knowing the language and somehow just feeling like I had been there before. From the moment we landed I was in love. It was just so wonderful to feel the heat as the doors of the airplane opened. To see the excitement in my son's face, and to feel the anticipation of the adventure that was before us. Welcome to paradise!

Our accommodations for the week was a lovely little hostel located two blocks from the most beautiful beach I have ever seen! It wasn't five star accommodations, but the price was right, and it definitely suited our little family. We rented four rooms and all piled in like the Haida's we are :)  I would highly recommend staying away from the all-inclusive and finding a spot with a local family. It just felt so much more authentic to be in the neighbourhood we were in (although Varadero is pretty much a tourist town). Apparently the locals lived in the next town over, which is where we found the cheap food and the local food market.

Grocery Stores in Cuba are almost non existent, but my sister had found a nice little market, and made friends with a guy that sold the best peanut butter and honey we ever tasted out of the back of his car. The fruits and Veggies were unbelievable! Who knew that a simple cucumber and tomato sandwich would taste so good?! And thank Gawd I brought some Hellmans mayonaise from home with me in my bag!

Qwasaas, Cuba 2016

The BEACH... Ok... so I've been to a few beaches in my lifetime. And I promise you, Varadero Beach has got to be the most beautiful beach I have EVER seen. The sand was white, water was warm, I kid you not, once we got in... we never got out! It was so nice because the beach we went to (which was accessed by the BEATLES club) wasn't a resort beach, so there wasn't a lot of people on the beach, and it was wide, so even if there were people there, they were far enough from us that it didn't feel like we were piled on top of one another. I loved this beach. It was perfect! Our own little piece of paradise! The boys loved it!

Kiijuuthlaas & Qwasaas, Cuba 2016

Best place to EAT: On Calle 15 there is an awesome little eatery located at the beach entrance. We paid about $3 CUC to eat a huge dinner of chicken, rice, beans, and I would almost say... poi... but I'm sure its not called that. Todd had pork with the yellow rice. OMG!!! Best food in Varadero! But I love rice and beans.

If you are missing Canadian food there is a great little hamburger joint  located around the corner of Calle 63. Its great place for a $3CUC hamburger but... the service isn't very "fast"! We sat there for nearly 20 minutes before we got up and ordered at the counter, which we also sat at for about 10 mins before they took our order. We would have left, but in the downtown area the service is similar everywhere. It wasn't a big deal, we were on vacation, time was on our side!

The Bakery we found two blocks from the Circle Mall on the main drag (Calle 45 I think) was wonderful! Definitely buy some bread or buns from there if you can. You will not regret it.

Kiijuuthlaas at the Boathouse

One place that we really liked was the BoatHouse at the Melia Marina. I had a salmon pasta (which I really shouldn't have been eating) and it was VERY good! But we paid about $30 CUC per person there, which is about $47.52 CAN. Cuba can be cheap, and very expensive, you just need to look around and you'll find some great little places off the beaten path.

The boys playing at the market

The Market on Calle 15 is a great place to go if you are interested in bringing some momentos home for your friends and family. Because there were so many venders there, it was easier to bargain, and it was generally a lot cheaper than any of the other markets we looked at.  There were some vendors that I didn't feel comfortable negotiating with. I had just spent hours at Christmas making crafts, and I know how much work goes into crafting! So anyone that was selling something I knew they made, I just paid their asking price.

On top of the double decker beach tours bus

A little tip for the budget traveller... Although the taxi's are beautiful, and the little COCO taxi's are pretty cool, the $5CUC it cost to ride them can add up a fast. We bought a ticket for the BEACH tours double decker bus for $5CUC, and we could ride the bus that came every 15mins, all day. It took us from down town to Melia Marina (which is where we moved to for the second half our trip). It stops at most of the major hotels, but the ride is nice on the top of the bus. It was so easy to use, and so worth the $5CUC we paid. They start early in the am, and the last bus is at 9pm.

PEDRO

 When we finally decided to check out Havana we asked our favorite taxi driver to show us the town the way he sees it :) He took us to some of his favorite spots, drove us around to look at some architecture, brought us for some great eats, and pretty much entertained us all day.

We met Pedro when we left the hostel and moved to the marina. He didn't exactly know where we were going because the condos at the Melia Marina are relatively new. So when he arrived to the hotel he said "relax lady, I will go and see if this is the right place". When he came back into the car he said "you don't have a booking here, there is no room for you, so where would you like to go?" I almost jumped out of my seat and stormed into the hotel, but he said "no, no, relax lady, I'm just kidding". haha I liked him instantly.  Pedro charged us $180 for the day, and we tipped him $120. It was such a good time! If we had taken a tour with the tour companies, we would have paid over $400 for the 5 of us. So, it was a good deal, a good time, and a day we will NEVER forget!

Havana was beautiful! The buildings the squares, the rickey shutters, the colors, just so beautiful! I could have spent more time looking at all the beautiful buildings, and people watching but we had hired a horse and cart to take us around, and my partner was on a mission to find some cigars to bring back to his buddies. We went to some pretty shady streets during our search but how fascinating to see how people live. We stopped off at Ernest Hemingway's favorite bar, and had a mojito. Listened to some music, and then eventually found our way back to our driver who was frantically looking for us! haha.

The BEST part of the Havana day trip.... When Pedro picked us up he said "I hope it doesn't rain!" Half way to Havana found out why. He had no windshield wipers, so all the way there he kept saying "relax lady, you're in Cuba, everything is going to be alright". LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it!

The rest of the trip was spent hanging out at the pool, figuring out what to eat next, and relaxing.  The whole time we were there I felt my Dad was with us. Such a wonderful trip! He would have loved it! Thanks Dad, for brining us there to celebrate you one last time.