Letting Go...

Letting go... Easier said than done! We laid to rest a very beautiful soul today. I am completely overwhelmed with great sadness. I love people, and try to be kind, however it is very rare that I actually give my heart to others. She had a piece of my heart, and I do not know why. Maybe it was because I never had the opportunity to know my own Nonnie, and she was exactly what I thought a Nonnie should be? Maybe it was because each time I seen her she would encourage me to keep doing what I was doing despite the countless complaints. There are always complaints aren't there? And wether or not they are legit, they still have the ability to discourage even the most focused people. But not me... not with her on my side... Now what? What is the gift in this? Maybe the gift is that I had the opportunity to know her... even if it was for a short time. Or, maybe the gift has not revealed itself as yet... I feel bad for those closest to her because if I feel the pain I do, I can't even imagine what torment they are going through.

I am a true believer in that we are only given what we can handle, and that god provides us with the tools we need to handle what he gives us. Just as he puts people in our lives for a reason... all people. I should say that I am not a religious person in the sense that I am a christian. I do not believe in a Christian God. What I do believe is that God is love, and we are all capable of it. That he lives in all things and is exactly what we think he is, beyond our wildest imaginations. Religion, spirituality is personal and my thoughts and feelings regarding this topic are solely mine. I do not judge you or anyone else for their beliefs, for I think we are all right. He is exactly what we need him to be. Again, not to complicate things anymore... I do not believe he is a he or she. I believe he just is. I will admit that I can be captured by the "holy spirit" when I hear a good song, or a powerful scripture. But to me that is because God just is... the feeling of love.

Faith. Maybe that is what I needed to be reminded of in order to find myself in the layers that I bare. Faith in myself so that I don't need to look outside for that encouragement. And if I truly believe that love is my faith, then what I really need is to love myself. Love myself enough to make the changes I know I have to make in order to reach my destination of health, success, and happiness. Maybe that is the gift...

Well... I'm off to the big smoke tomorrow. I can hardly wait. My father awaits with more lessons to teach and learn I am sure.