Tired...

I am so tired... Physically, emotionally, and 100% spiritually! I have a mountain of intentions, and no energy to follow though! Why is it that one day of grey weather drags me into the depths of despair with not a hope to escape even for a moment? I feel like a schizophrenic some days. Like my mind and body are battling a battle that just cannot be won, therefore I'm left standing there confused and lightheaded from all the noise. DRAMATIC. Lol, that is what I am, but why not? Life is one big stage and am I not the main player of my own world... yes, that is how one gets themselves locked up.

I embrace life, yet all around us it seems like all we witness is death. Is everyone else not as tired and numb as I am? The love of my life... (Well not really! that is the drama queen in me speaking!) Dies the other day and I can only cry for one day? To hear the news of my favorite Haida Language mentor dying and all I can do is say I'm sorry, then continue on working. Gawd, what price we have to pay to be a Haida! Immune to tragedy, and almost in full expectation of it! No wonder our people are so apathetic. We can't even feel pain anymore! sigh... ok, that is getting crazy depressed... I'll choose to shake that feeling...

Life is short! So lets live it! So many times I get stuck in this rut, and I DON”T want to be in it! I want to do the things I dream of doing, go after the goals I have set, and have no regrets attached to any of it.

I love working. I have always loved to work; something my father gifted me with. I want to work more and not feel guilty about my kids and their friggen report cards. I try my best with them and they are smart, funny, and kind. I love them to pieces! If Nathaniel doesn’t want to participate in gym, does that really have to reflect what time he goes to bed? If Nathaniel doesn’t like to sing in choir does that make him a bad child?  If Wyatt doesn’t want to share with his classmates, does that mean he has to improve his social skills? NO, no, no… come on people! They are 6 and 7 years old. They have healthy boundaries and know how to make choices. I have taught them that. Now is all this a reflection of ME? Yes, it is…. But not because I work too much, or don’t put my kids to bed at 7pm. I have taught them to negotiate, to share when they want to share and sing when they feel like singing, to trust themselves and the choices they make.  Whatever… Drama. My kids are…. Perfect. LOL

"Its not me, its my metabolism” I’m going to get my thyroid checked. I have far too many of the symptoms, and the fact that my mother was just dealing with the same problem may be an indicator.

Ooo! I can run 3 mins! Yaay! See... schizophrenic!